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When you walk out of prison, a free person once again, it feels like a second chance—a clean slate to rewrite your story. But what many don’t realize, and what I’ve painfully come to understand, is that the freedom we gain comes with invisible chains, binding us to unhealthy habits we develop in our quest to prove we are no longer defined by our convictions. We are no longer the person who committed that crime. We have changed, grown, and learned. But in our desperate need to prove this to the world—and maybe more so to ourselves—we often fall into traps that can be just as harmful as the mistakes that led us to incarceration in the first place.

The Pressure to Prove

One of the most pervasive struggles for those of us with a conviction is the overwhelming pressure to prove that we’ve changed. It’s a constant burden, and the weight of it is nearly suffocating. We feel we have to work twice as hard, be twice as good, and stay twice as clean to be considered “normal” again. But in doing so, we often overextend ourselves, pushing beyond reasonable limits, and ironically, we find ourselves falling back into a new set of unhealthy habits.

In my own experience, I’ve noticed how easy it is to replace one addiction with another. After leaving behind the destructive behaviors that led to my incarceration, I found myself pouring all my energy into work, trying to establish a career that would make everyone—my family, my friends, society—believe that I was rehabilitated. But instead of finding balance, I found myself caught in a relentless cycle of overwork, fueled by anxiety and the fear of failure. I was trying to prove that I was no longer defined by my past, but in reality, I was letting it control me in a different way.

The Cost of Boundary-Less Living

We, as formerly incarcerated individuals, often struggle with setting boundaries. The fear of rejection and the desperation to be accepted can lead us to say “yes” to everything—whether it’s taking on extra work, helping out family and friends, or trying to solve everyone else’s problems. We do this because we want to show that we are dependable, reliable, and trustworthy. But without boundaries, we burn out quickly.

This lack of boundaries also seeps into our personal lives. We try to make up for lost time with our families, overcompensating for the years we were absent. We push ourselves to be the perfect parent, spouse, or friend, often neglecting our own needs in the process. The result is exhaustion, both physically and emotionally. Sleep becomes elusive, and we end up running on fumes, stressed to the max.

The Financial and Emotional Toll

Financial stress is another burden that weighs heavily on those of us with a conviction. Rebuilding a life after prison is difficult, especially when you have the added stigma of a criminal record. According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, about 60% of formerly incarcerated individuals remain unemployed one year after their release, and those who do find work often earn low wages that make it hard to support themselves, let alone a family. This financial instability adds another layer of stress, driving some to take on multiple jobs or side hustles, further exacerbating the lack of sleep and increasing the pressure to “prove” ourselves.

But the financial strain isn’t just about money. It’s about the emotional toll it takes on us and our families. The constant worry about making ends meet can strain relationships, lead to arguments, and deepen feelings of inadequacy. We are trying so hard to make up for our past mistakes, but in doing so, we may be repeating patterns of behavior that keep us trapped in a cycle of stress and unhealthy coping mechanisms.

The Impact of Unresolved Trauma

Another aspect of life after conviction that often goes unaddressed is the deep-seated trauma many of us carry from our experiences before, during, and after incarceration. This trauma can manifest in various ways—flashbacks, anxiety, depression—and if left unresolved, it can drive us to adopt coping mechanisms that are far from healthy. For some, it’s substance abuse, replacing the pain with temporary numbness. For others, it’s burying ourselves in work or other distractions, anything to avoid facing the emotions that we’re too afraid to confront.

In my own life, I’ve battled with unresolved trauma, not just from my time in prison, but from the years leading up to it. The losses I experienced, the mistakes I made, and the guilt I carried—all of these became a heavy burden that I tried to outrun by throwing myself into work, by trying to be everything to everyone. But the truth is, until we face that trauma head-on, it will continue to control us, keeping us trapped in a cycle of unhealthy habits. Therapy, support groups, and even just having honest conversations with those who understand can be crucial steps in beginning to heal and break free from these patterns.

The Struggle with Identity

One of the most profound challenges we face after a conviction is the struggle with identity. Who are we now? Are we still the person who made those mistakes, or have we truly become someone new? This identity crisis can lead us to extremes—either clinging to our past, as if to prove we’re not ashamed of it, or rejecting it entirely, trying to become someone else overnight. Both approaches are fraught with danger.

When I first reentered society, I felt like I was living a double life. On the outside, I was trying to present myself as the “perfect” version of who I thought I should be—successful, responsible, rehabilitated. But on the inside, I was struggling with self-doubt and fear that my past would always define me. This disconnect only fueled my unhealthy habits, as I constantly tried to reconcile who I was with who I wanted to be.

The key to overcoming this identity struggle is to accept that we are a product of our experiences, but we are not defined by them. Our past is a part of us, but it doesn’t have to dictate our future. Embracing this duality—acknowledging our mistakes while also celebrating our growth—allows us to move forward in a way that is authentic and sustainable.

Finding Balance and Purpose

Ultimately, the journey after conviction is about finding balance—balance between proving ourselves and accepting ourselves, between working hard and taking care of ourselves, between acknowledging our past and building a future. It’s about finding a purpose that is meaningful and fulfilling, but not at the expense of our well-being.

For me, finding that balance has been a continuous process. I’ve had to learn to forgive myself for my past mistakes and to understand that I don’t have to prove anything to anyone. My worth is not determined by how much I can do or how much I can achieve; it’s determined by who I am as a person—my values, my kindness, my resilience.

This is a lesson that I’m still learning, and it’s one that I believe all of us who have been through the criminal justice system need to embrace. We deserve to live lives that are not just free from bars, but free from the chains of guilt, shame, and the relentless need to prove our worth. We deserve to find peace, happiness, and fulfillment, not by running from our past, but by building on the lessons we’ve learned and the strength we’ve gained along the way.

By sharing our stories and supporting one another, we can break free from the unhealthy habits that often follow us after conviction. We can create new, healthier patterns that allow us to live fully and authentically, no longer defined by our mistakes, but by the people we’ve become.

This reflection is a reminder that the journey after conviction is complex and multifaceted. It requires us to face our trauma, redefine our identity, and find balance in our lives. But most importantly, it reminds us that we have the power to break free from unhealthy habits and build a future that is defined by our resilience, not our past.

Sources:

• Bureau of Justice Statistics. (2021). “Employment After Release.” Retrieved from BJS.gov

• National Institute of Justice. (2020). “Post-Prison Employment: The First Step Toward Success.” Retrieved from NIJ.gov

• National Institute of Corrections. (2022). “Trauma and Reentry: Addressing the Needs of Formerly Incarcerated Individuals.” Retrieved from NICIC.gov

• American Psychological Association. (2019). “Identity Crisis and Recovery: Understanding the Struggles After Incarceration.” Retrieved from APA.org