staceybooks

There I was. Sleeping like a rock. Dreaming of something peaceful…probably a beach or a world where calories don’t count.

And then…BAM. Eyes open.

2:32 AM.

What in the full REM-cycle betrayal is this?

I didn’t hear a noise. No storm. No dog barking. Not even a ghost (which honestly would’ve been more considerate, at least they have a reason to wake people up).

But there I am. Wide awake.

And my brain? Oh, she’s THRILLED. She’s like, “Hey girl! Glad you’re up! We have so much to overanalyze.”

No. We don’t.

We were just asleep. Like, actually winning at life for a moment. And now here I am…staring at the ceiling like it’s got answers.

Suddenly, I’m thinking about that text I never responded to two weeks ago.

Wondering if I turned the flat iron off…from yesterday before leaving for the conference.

Feeling weird about that thing I said in 2009.

Mentally redesigning my entire kitchen (on a budget of $11).

Oh…and now I’m craving tacos. At 2:32 AM.

WHY AM I LIKE THIS?

I try deep breathing. I try flipping my pillow to the cool side (for the 7th time). I say a little prayer. Then get mad that my brain interrupts the prayer with “Did you ever send that invoice for your husband like he asked before jumping on a plane?” Like…how rude.

Then I start planning my week, my funeral, my grandchildren’s college fund, and my imaginary business selling alpaca socks…because clearly, this is the time for visionary thinking.

At this point if I were at home, my dog would snoring, my husband would be breathing like a tranquilized bear. But here I am, alone. Just reciting what time I said we needed to leave for the airport…is that really enough time…wait…nope not overthinking it…so I’ll just blink aggressively and reevaluating my entire existence.

You ever feel personally attacked by your own brain?

Because SAME.

And don’t you dare suggest I get up and “do something productive” to tire myself out. This is not a self-help moment. This is a hostage situation. And my brain is holding all the hostages, sipping coffee, and making a PowerPoint presentation of all my regrets.

Eventually, I’ll fall back asleep 12 minutes before my alarm goes off.

And when that happens, I’ll wake up angry at everyone and everything…especially whoever invented mornings.

But for now, I’m just lying here.

Contemplating life.

Craving tacos.

Trying not to scream.

If you’re up too—hey friend, welcome.