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Have you ever found yourself in a conversation, a relationship, or even a workplace dynamic where, no matter what you did, you felt stuck, misunderstood, overwhelmed, or just plain exhausted? If so, you may have unknowingly stepped into the Karpman Drama Triangle.

I’ve been there, more than once.

The triangle has three roles: the Persecutor, the Rescuer, and the Victim. At different points in my life, I’ve played all three, sometimes all in one day.

This concept came back into focus for me a few days ago during a conversation with our Director of Human Resources. We were talking about how these roles show up in leadership, team dynamics, and even in our personal lives. It stuck with me. Tonight, we continued the conversation over dinner, unpacking how easily we all can slip into these roles without realizing it, especially when emotions are high and clarity is low.

The Victim: “Why Does This Always Happen to Me?”

In my darkest moments, especially after losing my freedom, career, and reputation, I lived in Victim mode. I blamed the system, the betrayal, my past, and at times, even God. I was drowning in helplessness, afraid of being seen as weak, but desperate for someone to fix it all for me.

I saw this same dynamic play out in others I’ve worked with, clients who came into our program unsure if they even deserved another chance. Their sense of identity was wrapped up in pain and powerlessness. What I’ve learned, though, is that the Victim role often masks deep grief and unmet needs. It’s not laziness, it’s paralysis.

The Rescuer: “Let Me Fix You”

As I healed, I swung hard in the opposite direction, becoming the Rescuer. I thought if I could help everyone else, maybe I’d earn my redemption. I overextended myself, micromanaged when I should have trusted, and took on burdens that weren’t mine to carry. I confused compassion with control.

This role is tricky because it often looks like leadership, especially in nonprofit work. But Rescuing isn’t empowering, it’s enabling. I’ve seen staff, friends, even family fall into this trap, giving everything while secretly resenting the weight they chose to carry. The truth is, when we believe others can’t grow without us, we’re saying more about our own self-worth than theirs.

The Persecutor: “If You’d Just Listen…”

This one’s hard to admit, but I’ve been here too. Not always in words, but in tone, attitude, and assumptions. When you’re exhausted, under pressure, or constantly defending yourself, it’s easy to snap. Anger becomes armor. Judgment becomes a shield.

I’ve worked with leaders who landed in this role without realizing it. They wanted results, they were passionate, but passion without empathy turns quickly into control. And control leaves no room for trust, learning, or grace.

Breaking the Cycle

The Drama Triangle keeps us in cycles of blame, shame, and dependency. We rotate roles, reinforcing each other’s dysfunction. But stepping out of the triangle means embracing a new mindset:

Victims become Creators, owning their power to choose Rescuers become Coaches, guiding without taking over Persecutors become Challengers, offering truth with respect and accountability

In my life, I had to stop over-functioning and start trusting others, and myself. I had to stop proving my worth by overworking or rescuing, and instead learn to sit with uncomfortable truths without needing to fix them right away. I also had to learn that boundaries don’t mean I love people less, they mean I love them enough to believe they can grow.

Final Thoughts

If you’re caught in the triangle, know this: you are not alone, and you are not powerless. Awareness is the first step toward healing.

Look at your conversations, your workplace, your inner voice. Are you stuck in a role?

Then gently, bravely, take a step back and ask, What do I want from this? What would a healthier version of me do here?

Because the truth is, you don’t have to keep playing a role. You were always meant to write your own story.

And that story, it starts outside the triangle.