“I look in the mirror and all I see is a fat girl staring back at me!” This one sentence defines me best. I don’t see big blue eyes or the pretty smile everyone tells me they see. I don’t notice the perfect curls or even my “award-winning personality.” All I see is a fat girl who is tired of being fat. Yeah, I know—if you’re unhappy with your body, do something about it. Famous last words from someone who isn’t in this body.
This body has traveled through hell and back. Some of the hell, I’ve caused myself. Some was due to the actions of others. However, in the end, I allowed those people into my life. Which means even the hell they brought into my life was technically my fault. No one wants to admit that. It’s easier to blame someone else than to admit that, because of our own selfish or stubborn reasons, we let a toxic individual into our life. With that being said, back to the fat girl I see every day.
When we find ourselves lost (and lost is the word I will focus on for now), we tend to find comfort in food. At least I have. This is where my story will begin. Sort of.
I was the youngest of three, almost like an only child since my siblings were married and starting families by the time I was born. I could lie and say I had a terrible childhood, but I can’t. To be honest, I don’t know if it was good or bad. I’ve blocked out most of my childhood. Only vague memories remain. But it’s okay. I’m not looking for sympathy. It’s just part of this fat girl’s journey.
I haven’t always been fat. I was once too skinny, or so I was told. I moved from one small town to another the summer between 8th and 9th grade. Small town #1 saw me as me. Maybe some saw me as poor, but I hid that pretty well. Small town #2 was brutal. There were days I wanted to crawl under a rock and never come out. People never had anything nice to say (unless they were boys looking for a hookup). Now that I look back, no wonder I have crappy self-esteem! Thanks, high school! You were my true beginning. From being told, “You have big eyes,” and “I can see the veins in your eyelids,” to “You have bird legs,” and “Are you anorexic?” Ha, “You are way too skinny.” And the famous, “Didn’t you already wear that twice this week?” These are just a few of the things I remember. This all may seem unimportant to you, but to a freshman, it was huge. Especially when I had a bad case of chickenpox and had to get glasses that same year. Being talked about and picked on was just the beginning.
People wonder why teens battle suicidal thoughts. Trust me, it starts with little comments like the ones I mentioned. Not everyone in high school talked crap to me, but those select few who did, I allowed to take up space in my head and left them there for years.
staceybooks 